Soapy's journal

Hello people.

This journal is going friends-only (mostly) from now on.

So if you are not on my friends list and you read this journal, let yourself be known and I shall consider friending you.

Stand by for a rant on sociology and sociologists.

I never thought i'd miss talking to her just because I want someone to talk to. I mean, I know I'd miss her, and that this would be really hard but i didn't know quite how important talking to her was to me just in the sense of talking to someone about anything. Or about specific things, like Brisingr and my new room.

I want to tell her and discuss the ins and outs of things. It's not the same with anyone else.

7 weeks.

It's been 6 weeks. And nothing has changed.

Blah. I still miss her, and I still wish she'd do something.

I want love.

1. Be sad
2. Listen to the song "Split Screen Sadness" by John Mayet
3. Sit in the bath listening to sad John Mayer songs
4. Cry in the bath
5. Think about Alice
6. Fantasise about Alice coming back to me
7. Fantasise about seeing Alice in public while she is with another woman and going mad at her (I did that the other day and it made me really mad, I almost met Sarah in a bad mood)
   
8. Cry in any place.
   
9. Wallow in self pity
10. Be sad.
    

I was tagged by Ronni

1. One movie that made you laugh: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. The bit with the coffee... it's a bit nutty.

2. One movie that made you cry: Gladiator

3. One movie you loved when you were a child: The Lion King.

4. One movie you’ve seen more than once: I have seen many many films more than once. The film I have seen the most is probably Moulin Rouge!

5. One movie you loved, but were embarrassed to admit it: Um.. I dunno... i can think of a few I quite like that i am embarrassed about, but none I love.

6. One movie you didn't like: My Summer of Love.

7. One movie that scared you: Severence. I really don't like the idea of crazed ex-Soviet army guys running around Hungary thirsty for flesh.

8. One movie that bored you: I am not sure if this is because I was really tired at the time, but Lost in Translation failed to keep my interest and I fell asleep half way through it.

9. One movie that made you happy: Show Me Love/Fucking Amal always makes me smile.

10. One movie that made you miserable: Aimee and Jaguar made me feel a bit like I had been bashed around the head with a brick.

11. One movie you weren’t brave enough to see: I don't think there are any... if i want to see something I will see it, it's not a case of cowardice stopping me from seeing something. I didn't see TGC because I was trying to make a stand :P

12. One movie character you’ve fallen in love with: Christian.

13. The last movie you saw: V for Vendetta

14. The next movie you hope to see: Hairspray or The Dark Knight

15. Now tag five people: No, if someone wants to do this one they can.

I was reading Son of a Witch earlier and I remembered how in Wicked Glinda and Elphaba get all nervous and excited going into the Emerald City, and how Nan and Kitty get exited moving into London, and the two sort of merged into one, and I thought "wow, they are quite similar moments and quite similar relationships".

And then I wanted to tell Alice, and asked if she agrees, and state that i thought this was hard proof taht Gelphie lives. But then i realised i can't tell her, and then i got sad.

So i thought i'd tell you instead, if only to remove the urge to tell someone.

I miss talking to her.

It is really hard coming home and opening my MSN and knowing that there is no one there I am dying to speak to.

It's Thursday now, it will be a week in 2 days.

I keep forgetting about it when I am busy and then remembering and getting sad. I sat in the bath the other day listening to sad music and cried a bit. Iwas thinking about the reality of how I will feel when, in a month or two months, she has still not contacted me and I will know for sure that it is over and she does not care. I know it now, in a logical, calculated sort of way, but there is still hope. In 2 months there wll be none, and  don't want to be hopeless.

I always did think the first night would be the hardest. After this it should get easier, i think. I hope.

As much as it would be nice to think she remembered that i have this journal, i am fairly certain she has forgotten so I can talk here about her without worrying it'll get back to her.

I can also do facebook stuff without her asking me what the problem is, hence my current status.

But i feel quite deflated about it all, and I wish she cared enough to realise what the problem is.

In fact I wish she cared enough for there not to be a problem. She's so fucking.. blank about everything. She actually asked me if i disliked her after i said i didn't want to talk to her. aside from her being dense as a doorknob for even thinking it I felt like shouting at her. How can she suggest it when so often i have thought that she doesn't even want to see me because she manages to have so many things in the way. And when there is nothing in the way, she still doesn't see me. In fact, she sees other people. And it doesn't bother her. How can it not bother her that she hasn't seen me since November and still claim to love me?

She said that, you know. After I did. How can she love me?

I think i'll be updating this quite often for a while..

Current Mood: lonely

I am slow dancing in a burning room.

I keep trying to walk out but every time I do something stops me at the door. A word, a smile, a little encouragement.

I want to get out. I don't like the heat, I never have, and I'm sweating and burning and aching. It's killing me and consuming me, and I WANT TO LEAVE.

But how can I? When she's going to stay there, in the burning room, slow dancing?

She calls me back, so I stay, and the flames engulf us.

Current Music: Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer

I am so lonely.

I went to Brighton pride today and was looking forward to it for ages because usually I have a great time at prides, but this time I felt a bit depressed. This might have something to do with all the damn happy smiley couples wandering about. I wish I had a woman to walk around holding hands with, not to mention someone to fall asleep with.

Bleh.

I'm on the slippery slope into depression..

"The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed."

1) Look at the list and Bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE. (in my case I am going to underline books I have read part of, but not all)
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them :-)

EDIT: Who the hell wrote this list?? This is NOT the list from The Big Read, that can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Read

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien (incidentally this is in the wrong order if it's supposed to be in order of the top 100 from The Big Read - LOTR was #1, P&P was #2 and The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy was #4, I think)
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter Septology - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (I repeat Peter's question - The Big Read did all the Potter books individually, so why have they listed this like this?)
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Sarah makes me wonder about Alice.

See, when I talk to Alice I often get exasperated by her lack of reaction or by her not saying enough. It makes me feel hurt and like I am not interesting. It also makes me sad because I always have something to say to her and if I ever got to a point when I didn't feel like speaking to her I know that is the point where I don't need her anymore and where, perhaps, I don't even love her anymore.

That's how it is for me. But she says she still loves me even though she's told me several times already that she hasn't got anything else to say to me as we talk every day and know everything about each other already. She doesn't see it as a sign of her own feelings deteriorating, and more importantly she doesn't see it as a sign that there is anything to worry about.

And now Sarah gets really irritated with me if i am what she calls "monosyllabic".

It is a different situation though because I have only just started speaking to Sarah and we haven't even met, so she is being quite paranoid and needy already.

But! It does make me wonder because I am in a different position now. I am the one who is being told she is not saying enough and not understanding what she's doing wrong. I justify it to Sarah and was today a little snappish because she called me monosyllabic after one sentence even though I was dominant in the rest of the conversation. But i think, why is it that with Sarah I don't really mind if we go quiet and I don't mind if she leaves and I don't make the extra effort to keep the conversation going?

Easy answer. It's because I don't love her. I don't really care, I barely know her, she's a potential at the moment who may one day be something more, but right now my feelings are not intense or important.

So maybe that's how Alice feels. Maybe she's not bothered about our conversations because she's not bothered about me.

It's the same attitude, the same situation but with different people. So I wonder if I can apply the way I feel in a situation, and as a result the way I act in a situation, to another person who is very different to me?

I wish I knew.

Is it gluttony to want it all?

I want love. But real love, not the kind of love people feel when they don't really care and don't put any effort in and don't need you. I want someone, finally. to feel for me the way I feel for them. I want balance and lust and sex and time, I want to feel like I'm the most important thing in the world to someone and be secure that they really do love me because everything they do and say proves it. Saying I love you means nothing if it's not backed up by actions, you can say "i love you" in one breath but devotion takes a lifetime.

I want for someone to feel like they're falling and tumbling down a hole, lost and confused when they're not with me. I want to instil an automatic calm just by being next to someone, and I want them to feel as if me walking away causes their heartstrings to tug.

I want lazy days spent in bed, and trips to places, and I want to make a mess in the kitchen while trying out an experimental cake recipe. I want people to say "oh let's invite Sophie and xxx" as if you can't invite one without the other because they kind of are one. Two halves of a whole.

I want someone to love me more than they love anyone or anything else and I want them to get jealous and want to keep me all to themselves.

I want someone to put all their energy into me and being with me and seeing me, and I want to know that if i got stuck in Poland or Israel with family and had to stay there for a while then my girl would go out of her way to come visit me.

I want desperate, obsessive, stupid, irrational, paranoid devotion.

And you know I'm not actually asking for the impossible because I feel that way, I feel for her exactly the way i want someone else to feel for me.

But she doesn't.

Whatever it is, it's not the love I want.

Current Mood: listless

 ...we're striking tomorrow.

That means no posts, Rob!

Look here: http://msilverstar.livejournal.com/368859.html?style=mine

and pass it on. (just not tomorrow)

Occasionally my mother does something that merits giggle fits and a livejournal entry.

Mother: i did a silly thing
Mother: ran over my laptop
Mother: it works but the screen is damaged
Me: sorry, what? You ran over your laptop?
Mother: yeh its ok
Mother: but the screen really needs replacing
Mother: i know im an idiot
Mother: drove off with it in the drive, Charmain took it in but when I got it back I realised I must have run over it.
Me: *giggles uncontrollably*

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Made a film

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No and no.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
Italy and Israel.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
More time.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 27th. Day I met Alice.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making an hour long film in 3 months that actually makes people laugh.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Oh, not actually saving any money even though i had a sort of job.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Multiple allergic reactions to a certain house in Northamptonshire, colds, coughs, several bruises from falling over. Nothing serious.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
oh god, don't make me choose!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
No idea.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
My mother's as usual

14. Where did most of your money go?
On food and sex toys...

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Meeting Alice, going to uni, meeting gays.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
The Klaxons - Golden Skans  and Keane - The Frog Prince

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? I don't remember how I felt this time last year...
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner
iii. richer or poorer? I don't remember how much I had this time last year. I think i've stayed about the same

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Working

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Eating

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With some family and friends at home.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No, I fell in love in 2006.

23. Did your heart break in 2007?
No.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
CSI

25. Where were you when 2007 began?
At home in my bed asleep

26. Who were you with?
Me. And Ben the bear was there somewhere.

27. Where will you be when 2007 ends?
I was in Adam's games room.

28. Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
Adam. And his drunken sister.

29. What was the best book you read?
I don't remember which books I read this year...

30. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Does Rent and Wicked and Hedwig count?

31. What did you want and get?
Alice.

32. What did you want and not get?
Alice.

33. What was your favourite film of this year?
I saw about 3 new films this year... actually, Hedwig probably.

34. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 19. I went out for sushi with my mum. That's it.

35. How many different states did you travel to in 2007?
0

36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Like last year: GAY

37. What kept you sane?
Who said I was sane?

38. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Kerry Ellis!

39. What political issue stirred you the most?
lol political issue

40. How many concerts did you see in 2007?
0, unless you count the Pride rally...

41. Did you have a favourite concert in 2007?
I missed Kerry Ellis :(

42. Who was the best new person you met?
Gah, don't make me choose between Adam and Alice! Actually, I met Adam in 2006 so I can say Alice.

43. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Yes

44. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
Falling down the stairs at the Dungeon..

45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
No

46. What are your plans for 2008?
Get through the next six months of uni, then work my arse off for The Crucible and then go back to uni again.

47. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I don't know, can't think of anything.

Current Music: "Nothing In My Way" by Keane

Howdy folks!

I'm actually enjoying myself over here in Southampton. I think I've settled into university life (well, the social part of it - I've done about 5 minutes of work :S) quite well, and I see myself having a great 3 years here. Interestingly, the people who were having the best time during freshers week and were partying every night for two weeks are now the ones who I hear saying they might quit at Christmas or after a year. I find this interesting because these are the people I have decided I am not bothered with being friends with. Not because of that, but because I find them exceedingly boring. They're the sort of people who always had someone to sit next to in class and eat lunch with and always went to the parties and generally looked like they were happy.

There was a time when I envied them because they were normal and happy-seeming, but it has now come to light that not only are they exceedingly boring, they are also not the sort of people I want to be best buds with. Not that I want to be enemies, and i've come to also realise that you can never spare friends, I just don't think they're interesting enough to warrant too much of my attention. I think that all that goes on in their heads is very boring and generic.

The weird or camp or geeky or, to be frank, ugly people are far more interesting as people and friends.

In other news, I had a lovely night out on Saturday night with muchos dancing (yes, I danced) and drinkies and hair fluffling, and hopefully Wednesday will be another day like it. Also, Adam is coming to see me on Friday so YAY :D:D:D:D

I'm a bit pissed that i only get one  hour of criminology a week though, and most of the rest of my lectures are boring. I think I'll be skipping a lot of the Friday at 5 ones.

I feel quite at home.

Current Location: Montefiore Halls, Southampton
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Embrace

This has really been pissing me off recently. Near enough every person I've met and spent more htan 5 minutes talking to has used the word "gay" as a synonym for "stupid" or "annoying".

This is totally unacceptable.

I mean, how would they feel if I said that the fact that my shower doesn't work is so Greek or Christian or black or ginge.

I don't say anything to them because, well, I haven't been saying that much at all so to suddenly pipe up and tell someone not to use gay as an insult isn't so easy, especially since I have only just met these people. I will one day tell repeat offenders that when they call things gay as an insult it offends me.

Most of my friends don't use it as an insult, unless they are gay themselves (I tink Rob does it) at which point that's up to them, although they're still perpetuating the underlying homophobia by doing it. So coming here and finding A) no gay people and B) it not only common but also completely accepted and seemingly harmless to use the word "gay" as an insult is a bit...

Unwelcoming.